she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
