I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
