Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You can't motorboat a personality
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drunk is not a location!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
