We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
