saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
