The maid of honor just puked.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
