I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
