You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
