I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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