By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
