do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
