So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
