so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize