what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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