You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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