I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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