i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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