i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
