my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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