My hand turned me down
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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