it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
