Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
