saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
