This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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