So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
