You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
