I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
