You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize