the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
