If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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