I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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