Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
