I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
