Can i not drive my cunt home
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
