i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
cat food counts as protein by the way
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Randomize
