I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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