soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
