he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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