If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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