I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
