3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
