do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
