since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
