He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
