you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
