I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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