I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She's like a pop up book from hell.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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