overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
