hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
