I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
