this boner is exhausting
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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