Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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