So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
