She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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