I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
