I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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