The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My bed smells like the plague
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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