Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
