So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
