Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it hurts more in the daytime
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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